Child Psychologist Offers Tips for Parents to Help Children Cope with Anxiety and Depression

February 18, 2022

By Robert D. Friedberg, PhD, ABPP Head of Pediatric Behavioral Health Emphasis Area No one needs to be reminded that we are all living in unprecedented times. The COVID-19 pandemic has contributed a great deal of fear, grief, and uncertainty in our lives, and has had a significant impact on the emotional health of today’s youth. “Uncertainty ignites a host of emotional and behavioral problems,” says Robert D. Friedberg, PhD, ABPP, professor and head of Palo Alto University’s Pediatric Behavioral Health program. “The US Surgeon General, the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, the American Academy of Pediatrics, and the American Psychological Association are all sounding the alarm regarding a mental health crisis for youth,” he says. Dr. Friedberg offers these eight tips for parents to help their children manage the stressors they are facing: 1. Be a Good Coping Role Model Managing your own moods and worries is a key first step in helping your children cope. When they see caregivers taking care of themselves by sticking to routines, engaging in pleasant activities, doing relaxation activities, using proper problem-solving strategies, and employing healthy self-talk, they learn to do so, too. 2. Balance Acceptance of Feelings with Teaching Coping Skills Uncertainty is naturally unsettling and it’s important to communicate to your children that feeling worried, sad, or angry, is okay and understandable. This, however, is just the first step. Balancing acceptance with active coaching to cope is essential. Distress and discomfort are an inevitable and unavoidable part of being human. Escorting your children through these periods with effective skills to tolerate (rather than avoid) these troubling times, such as the skills described in tips 3 through 6. 3. Help Children Increase their Tolerance for Uncertainty and Decrease their Fear of the Unknown Uncertainty is inevitable, however, decreasing the fear of the unknown is possible. A helpful technique involves clarifying the difference between what is probable (very likely to happen) versus what is possible (might happen). Encourage your child to be “mighty” and replace “will” with “might.” For instance, if your child is anxious and holds the thought, “I will get sick,” invite them to re-engineer their thinking with, “Catching COVID-19 is not a sure thing. I only might get sick.” 4. Avoid Catastrophizing Catastrophizing accelerates worries and anxieties. When you think the worst thing that can happen is a certainty you feel helpless, and the world becomes dreadful. A useful strategy is to invite your child to list the worst and best things that could happen. Then have them rate the likelihood of those two options of occurring on a scale from 1 (not likely) to 10 (for sure). Next, come up with a problem-solving or coping plan for the worst event that could happen. Then, ask your child, “If we have a coping plan for the worst thing, how catastrophic could it be?” 5. Redefine Success and Reduce Perfectionism Like intolerance of uncertainty, perfectionism is another process that contributes to lots of distress. If you are a perfectionist, you place yourself in a constant state of failure since perfection is an impossible goal. Set smaller goals for your child (and yourself), recognize effort rather than outcome, and reward steps along the way toward reaching these benchmarks. 6. Encourage Children to Manage Distress rather than Avoid it Actions always speak louder than words. The Pixar Movie “Inside Out” teaches us that sadness, anxiety, fear, disgust, and anger are natural parts of the human experience. The key is to make these feelings work for you rather than on you. Therefore, do not shield your children from unpleasant emotions but rather coach them to navigate their way through and past them. 7. Search for Reputable Resources To become a well-equipped coping coach for your child, you need to familiarize yourself with authoritative resources. Here are a few that I recommend:

On Our Sleeves
The Child Mind Institute
Freeing Your Child from Anxiety, by Dr. Tamar Chansky
Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child, by Dr. Alan Kazdin
My Anxious Mind, by Drs. Michael Tompkins and Katherine Martinez

8. When Professional Help is Needed, Be an Informed Consumer and Mindfully Select Professionals When professional help is needed to complement responsive parenting, please act as a responsible and informed consumer. Psychotherapies do work but not all therapies work equally well, so it is important to do some research about potential treatments for your child. Here are a few websites that I would recommend: