PAU Alumna Sara Nasserzadeh, PhD, Offers a New Definition of Love
PAU alumna Sara Nasserzadeh, PhD, is a world-renowned social psychologist specializing in sexuality and relationships. She earned a master’s degree in Research Methodology and a PhD in Social Psychology from Middlesex University, England. Her post-graduate studies were in couples counseling and psychosexual therapy at Relate Institute in London. In 2020, she graduated from PAU with a second master’s degree in marriage and family counseling.
“I work with couples because I believe world peace can be created one relationship at a time. When there is peace among couples, this peace ripples out to their children, their friends and family, and co-workers,” says Dr. Nasserzadeh, who has a private practice in Beverly Hills. “I also love working with couples because it never gets boring.”
For more than 20 years, Nasserzadeh has worked with hundreds of couples across more than 40 countries. Over the years, many long-term couples have come to her complaining that their love has fizzled, and they no longer feel connected to their partners. This prompted Nasserzadeh to research how society defines love and the problems that can result from this perception.
“When we associate love with feelings of lust, infatuation, excitement, and nervousness, and that ‘feeling butterflies in the belly’ is what determines who we should be with, we become disillusioned when the butterflies inevitably fade,” says Nasserzadeh. “Feeling butterflies is just the agitation of our nervous systems, and it’s not necessarily a positive arousal towards another person, so it is not a great foundation to build a relationship. I help my clients redefine love as something much more meaningful and fulfilling.”
Submergent Model of Love
In her research, Nasserzadeh analyzed the notes she took from her sessions with 312 couples over a 10-year period to assess how society defines love and partnership. “There is a notion in our society that if two people have sexual chemistry, everything else will just fall into place,” says Nasserzadeh. “If we move ahead with this belief, without making sure that other factors are in alignment, this foundation becomes too fragile to build a life upon.” Nasserzadeh describes this type of love as a submergent model, where two people “fall” in love, become addicted to the dopamine rush of sexual chemistry, lose their sense of self, and become enmeshed. When this type of love becomes the justification for creating a life together, it often causes problems down the line when the excitement wears off and the couple realizes they don’t have enough of the critical elements in common to sustain the relationship, let alone thrive. “It breaks my heart when couples come to me and say, ‘our love didn’t last’ or ‘I’m not worthy of love’,” says Nasserzadeh. “I ask them, ‘what feelings are you associating with love? The dopamine rush of butterflies and enmeshment?’ I share with them that I know of a more fulfilling type of love. We assess the qualities needed to uplift their relationship and allow their love to emerge.”Emergent Model of Love
During the 10-year research study, Nasserzadeh also assessed the main criteria that make a thriving relationship possible. She found some critical elements that were common in most successful couples. The data helped her create the emergent model of love, which asserts that the two people in a couple maintain their individuality, and the foundation for their lives is based on these seven non-negotiable ingredients:- Compassion/empathy
- Mutual trust
- Shared vision
- Commitment
- Mutual loving
- Mutual respect
- Mutual physical attraction (which differs from sexual attraction and sexual chemistry in that it’s based on social constructs, such as having facial features associated with comfort and safety, and less about lust)